Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

I am writing this because I know what you're going through. I know you feel alone, unloved, and abandoned. I just wanted to remind you that we've been through worse. I just wanted you to know that if no one else in this world loves you, I love you and more importantly, GOD loves you.

Even though someone has yet again has proven themselves to be only human and even worse, someone that didn't deserve your friendship or your love, if you choose to forgive them, than you have to truly let it go. You know as well as I do, that holding on to these things only lets them fester, making you sad and angry while the person in question goes on living their life without a care in the world. At the end of the day, you know that this is no way to live our life. There are too many people that have far less than we have to let ourselves go too deeply into sadness. It's fine to be sad chick, but don't let sadness turn into self-pity, feel me?

I know that you feel alone, like you're screaming and no one can seem to hear you. It's fine because I'm here when there's no one else to turn to. We may not find the answer, but we can always pray on it. You and I both know what a little faith can do, Grandma taught us about that. On top of that, the fact that you wake up everyday is a miracle in its own right. Be thankful and make the most of every single day...it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Speaking of faith, I know yours has been shaken and you don't believe in folks like you used to. I know you want to shut down every iota of your emotions and never let another human being into your heart. You're already so guarded, and lady I know, after the bullshit we've been through, you have every right to be. Unfortunately, just because you try to put your best forward and give folks your best, it doesn't always mean they're going to respond in kind. In fact, as you've seen, they do just the opposite, taking advantage of your giving nature all the while calling themselves friends and throwing around the word love like they actually know what it means. It's foul and its unfair, but that's how life works kiddo. But you have to believe that for every ass that you meet, there's 10 other people out there that know how to behave like a decent, compassionate human being. So for our future, let's not shut down completely, eh?

I could have written this in one of our many journals lying around, but I felt writing it on the blog would be the best therapy. You need to shed some light on this and get back to doing what you do best -- living the adventure of this life. You've been smiling at folk and telling them you're okay -- I know you're lying. You don't have a poker face and if folks really look, they can tell when you're trying to blow smoke up their ass.

According to all our friends and family, we have a bright future ahead of us. We're smart as hell, we don't give up, and on a good day, we're pretty gosh darn cute. We have dreams to achieve and a world to conquer. We can't do it if we're not all in. We can't do it if we let one or two people derail the process. We're stronger and better than that. We do not buckle. We do not lose. So with that said m'lady, keep your head up. Give it to God and know that I am here when you need me. Like you say to everyone else, "just call my name and I'll come running." I'm here 24/7 and you know where to find me.

I love you because you're worth it.

Love,
Self

Running

I think about running
Muscles tighten, breath quickens and mind enters a tunnel
I think about running to anywhere but the
mind-numbing, soul-sucking loneliness that is here.
I open my mouth grave-wide to rage against the darkness
It envelops like quicksand, invading lungs like plague,
rendering my throat ragged and ineffectual.
I dream of retreating,
Tendons flexing, feet hitting pavement repetitively
I dream of retreating so deep into myself
That the liars and leeches
become lost in my inner labyrinth
Those that dare to speak of love and loyalty without knowing the real meaning
are cast down into my loneliness
I pray it feasts upon them till nothing but bleached bone remains
I imagine receding
Heart races, pulse soars, sweat trickles a path down exhausted psyche
I imagine receding
Conceding my faith, acknowledging the odds are too great to conquer
Accepting the disquieting inevitability of silky isolation
Choosing to cling to pain so exacting,
I question the decision to keep fighting with every laborious breath.
I'm shocked to numbness and my smiles ring hollow
I am at my limit
No more strength, no more love, no more faith
I function instead of live
I feel my light fade
and see no reason to reignite it.
I stand at the precipice, body primed at the ready
The starting gun thunders
and I run
eyes closed, soul clenched, heart bankrupted,
I run into darkness.

Posted via email from Sherri's posterous

Through The Fire

I'm barreling heartfirst into napalm.
I don't care.
There's an emergency brake on this ragtag coaster.
I don't care.
I can feel chocolate skin crinkle shiny black from the heat.
I don't care.
Locs ablaze burn like fuses down to an ever-blackening skull.
I don't care.
As rendered flesh melts away from now obsidian bone all that remains is a heart beating in Poe-like fashion.
I want to forget, 
I want to run,
I want to hide,
I want to hate.
I want to hate you for your weakness, your maddening indecisiveness, your telling inaction.
But the things I want are not in my nature, so I forgive and burn.
And I know that I'll be doing this little song and dance everytime. 
It will just hurt a little less as there will be less of me to feed the flame.
I welcome that day.

-- Sent from my Palm Prē

Posted via email from Sherri's posterous

Mind Meld (for M.)

As I sit in nature's thrall
seduced into silent awe by emerald décolletage
dragonflies on diamond wings lazily circumnavigate
a halo around my hapless head
thoughts walk toward the path of you
Tentatively, I open foresight's door
and anxious wonder "What's next?"
A line from a song, a tale of right gone wrong
I peer deep into the light but see naught
but a pollen snowstorm
I'm caught
in a prison of your making
defended by ghosts of girlfriends past
frenzied encounters that didn't last
I walk down a path of broken faith
impeded by arrows dipped in doubt and bitterness
Wounded thrice am I
but persevere do I through a maze
where hurt feelings, mistrust, and general malaise
hold court
Your voice marvelously monotone carried
through naked dark,
"Turn back."
Shaken, I almost oblige but resolve hardens
much like the rod between your thighs
So like dust I rise
And it's here you'll find me
fighting back demons and tears
melancholy fears
Searching steadfastly for you
I think you want me there
in the suffocating blackness
the silky crush
of your inner recesses
I think, because I know, because I heard you
in the confines of a soul laid bare
of a heart querulously beating
of a mind connected to yours.
My own

Posted via email from Sherri's posterous

Eyesore

Still I see you there.
Infuriating like the piece of food stuck between my teeth
Unobtainable like an eye floater
Unyielding like a migraine
Jagged like heart palpitations

And yet...I still see you there.
Insistent like my heartbeat
Electric like brain's synaptic function
Cyclical like ovulation
Cascading like blood flow

I see you.
In the flash of every eye blink
In the ragged exhalation of my sigh
And though I try to fight it
I see you

In the blurred peripheral of renegade tears I cry

Posted via email from Sherri's posterous

I Was a 28-yr-old Ditchee

So this week I've thrown myself into the dating game full blast, complete with dating profiles on OkCupid.com and PlentyofFish.com to name a couple. I went on my first date with someone besides my ex on Sunday. On the way there, I thought about flaking out and jumping back on the A train, tail tucked between my legs, never to find love again (alright, that's a bit dramatic, but that was the emotion at the time), but that is not the Miss Smith way. So with that in mind, I arrived at the Shake Shack heart and stomach aflutter, looking for the guy I've been talking to online for a week and some change.

I was pleasantly surprised that my date: a. looked like his photo, b. was actually sane, and c. was engaging, funny, and intelligent. The date went so well we actually just sat and talked for 3.5 hours enjoying the gorgeous NYC weather. I actually spoke to him today and we talked about our respective days and planned for our next date (I'll keep you posted!). I found myself cheesing like a Cheshire all day. So much so that I decided to spin the dating wheel and except a movie date from another guy I had reached out to online. It seemed innocent enough. The photo was decent and our IM conversations were pleasant enough. He was normal and had a respectable amount of intelligence. So I agreed to the movie date which was mistake Numero Uno.

Never make the first date a movie date as the first date is the whole "getting to know you" date. The first date is the decider on whether there will be a second and possibly third date. You need to actually interact with the person to figure this out and a darkened movie theater just doesn't get the job done.

First mistake being made in agreeing to this date opened the floodgates to not the worse date in existence but it was seriously high on the lame meter. Mistake Numero Dos was dude's movie selection: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yes, you read correctly HE chose a rom-com a.k.a chick flick du jour as the film that would solidify our budding relationship. He willingly suggested a chick flick and a Matthew McConaughey stinker at that. I am not a friend of the chick flick on principle, but that's for another post. His choice of the chick flick already wierded me out but I try to keep an open mind about these things.

Numero Tres was dude's late arrival. Usually, I'm a little anal about people being on time, but it ramps up tenfold when it comes to movies. I love seeing the previews, in some cases, they're the best part of the movie so when Mr. TardyPants says that the "commercials" (yes he called the trailers commercials) aren't that important, a small part of me dies inside. As a result of his late arrival and his potty break before we get to the theater we don't get to our seats until 9:27 of a movie that started at 9:05. Crickets anyone?

All that said, here's the one thing that went right about the evening. 10 minutes into our arrival, my date announced that he was getting some water and asked if I wanted some. I politely declined and focused my attention on not scratching my eyes out at the predictable plot, forced slapstick, and mandatory happy ending. 10 more minutes passed and my date had still not returned and that's when a HUGE SMILE spread across my face at the realization. Somehow I had stumbled back in time to high school where little boys ran away from their dilemmas. That's right ladies and gents, I had officially been ditched at the movies. As I went on and"enjoyed" my free movie, I thanked my lucky stars that things had turned out that way. I knew once he walked through the door that this wasn't a love connection or even a friendship connection. Call it women's intuition, but the spark wasn't there and I was not looking forward to the awkward conversation that would have taken place after the movie, complete with lame excuse of how I had to get home early to write my blogs, walk the dog, whatever the hell would have gotten me out of there short of me chewing my leg off like an animal caught in a trap.

All in all, it was a dating failure. I'm grateful that my first date went so well. If this debacle had been my first experience, I would have stopped cold any attempts to date and possibly meet Mr. Right. My first date with Mr. Gentlemanly, Cultured, and Fashionable provided me the wherewithall to laugh tonight's hijinks and look forward to more dating adventures. God bless my date's cowardly heart, I'm ready for the ups and downs of dating in NYC. I can't wait to see what happens next. Throw a prayer out for me people, I'm in it to win it!

A Letter to Love Pt. 1

Dear Love,

Just wanted to check in with you, let you know that I think about you every single day. I wanted to let you know how much I've missed you since you've gone. The thought of you weighs heavy on my mind as I think back to past dalliances and the one great romance of my short and overly complicated life.

I must admit, that I wasn't always your best advocate. In many instances, I behaved selfishly, using willing partners for your physical embodiment, never really caring about the rest of their being. And when I was done, so were they. But the one that I thought was "The One" snuck into my heart and laid it bare. Suddenly, all those poems I read and wrote about you that seemed so quaint and contrite took on so much meaning. I finally understood. Eyes adjusting to the light like I just stepped out of the cave, I had never felt such raw, romantic emotion for anyone. I WANTED to be there for this person. I CARED what he thought. He made me smile a smile so deep. it took my breath away. Handsome, intelligent, and a gaze so deep and clear he could read your soul. And there it was, I had fallen so deep under your spell, you could have told me that Copernicus was wrong and the sun really did revolve around the earth. But in those years, I made my home orbit around him.

It was so sweet at first Love, the giggles, the hushed confidences, the wild and passionate lovemaking. I was over the moon, punch-drunk, head over heels and any other corny metaphor you want to use. I was gone like Monica. So gone that I refused to believe that the one I felt so strongly for, would literally give my life for had started walking down a path that deviated so far from mine that we could never really last without one of us making an adjustment. But you are about compromise aren't you Love? So that's what I did, turned blind eye to things I didn't approve of and became ryde or die, because in my fevered mind and heart it was just me and him against the world and may GOD help you if you come between us. Someone cue up Jay-Z's "Me and My Girlfriend" would you please Love?

And there it was, a decade and three pennies of trying to climb into the ass end of a lion. Trying so hard to help, to put enough enough pressure on coal to turn him into the diamond he can be. I tried because I knew that my Black king needed his queen to support him through good times and bad. To raise him up when the world beat him down. Because I was auditioning for a role, you see. I wanted to be with him forever Love. Wanted the house and picket fences. I wanted to bake apple pies, have 2.3 kids and a dog. And no, I knew it wouldn't be exactly like that, but as long as he was there it didn't matter.

But it did matter. All the sentiment and devotion couldn't put us down the path to marriage vows. Oh we talked about, named our future kids, but we weren't any closer than when we started. And I just didn't understand Love. I didn't understand how someone that I loved so much could cause me so much pain, putting his life on the line for a measly few bucks. Every single night worrying would he come home in one piece. In the midst of all that confusion, I lost me. I became obsessed with bringing him to the light. It worked for awhile, but things fell apart like Chinua Achebe and I was left frustrated and confused.

I was confused Love because I knew it wasn't because he didn't have the same feelings that we were going on a long trip to nowhere. I didn't want to see that maybe, just maybe my one wasn't "the one." How could you be so unfair and send this person to me that made me happy on so many points, but couldn't get me to the goal line? And that's when I decided a split might be best, a hiatus to see if it was meant to be.

So here is where you find me Love -- hurt, confused, pride shattered but hopeful. He's still in the wings trying to get back, but I met someone else who made me smile the way he used to. But that's a story for another letter.

Best,
Miss Smith